Saturday, May 26, 2007

From Teri On Her 37th Birthday Or How I Decided To Grow Up And Be A Better Person. With A Meme. And A Photo. And Serious Soul Baring.

(Welcome to my catharsis. Don't forget to purchase refreshments in the lobby.)

Greetings and salutations, O Most Patient Ones. Have I caught up on all y’all’s blogs? No. Was I using that as one of my excuses for not blogging? Yes. And I really am very busy at work. Seriously. I’m hoping we can be like old friends who just pick up where they left off. Whaddya say? Can you forgive me for my neglect? Pretty please with widgets on top?

::insert one of my patented smooth segues here::

First, let’s get the serious soul baring out of the way.

I am going to be 40 in 3 years (exactly) and on that day I plan on taking stock and finding that I am happy with who I am or who I am on my way to becoming. Today starts a change in me. (That didn't sound as corny when I first wrote it as it does now in edit.)

I am tired of: being a crybaby… hating how I look… being angry… being cynical… being afraid… wasting my (and everyone else’s) time and my talent because I am afraid of? failure? success?... my lack of confidence… being unwise… being judged…. feeling like I’m being judged… being socially inept… being disrespected… not earning respect… feeling like an incompetent parent… being disorganized… not doing things because I’m disorganized… not knowing where things are because I. Am. Disorganized… being self-absorbed… not relying more on my faith in God… not revealing my faith in God… talking too much to myself and not enough to God… living in the past… being lazy… procrastinating… being frustrated… not living up to my potential… not keeping up my end of the deal… being ungrateful… not trying my best… not giving my best… panicking about all the mistakes I’ve made… wishing I was more… I am tired of being tired.

And, of course, I’m aware that most of these things are merely my own perceptions of who and what I am, that mostly what I see are the flaws. And reading that over, self-indulgent and self-involved are begging to be added. I’m perfecting my whole Woody Allen persona. Without the hemming and hawing or thinning hair or hangdog expression. Or creepy marriage to adopted daughter. Ok. I think we’re getting off track here.

My point is this(if I haven’t blunted it with the deflecting self-deprecating humour):

Things have got to change. Things are going to change.

Yeah. So. Still there?

MEME TIME (I'm just crankin' this post out, ain't I?)

Debbie over at A Charmed Life, she of the magical Italian chocolate, decided to make up her own meme. And I quote: …”it makes me think, how well do the people in our lives really know us? Like an Impressionist painting, sometimes figuring out what the picture is about depends on where you're standing.” The little darling tagged me way back in January Ought Seven, and if you don’t want to tear your eyes out yet with the really knowing of me, here’s my answer to her challenge:

The Near...Far!!! Meme.
Someone looking down at you from a balcony will notice: my grays

Someone seeing you from across a parking lot will see: My tiny pin head sitting atop my apple round body? WHAT? I deflect with the humor – I have no idea… this whole self analysis thing is difficult.

Someone seeing you for the first time will notice: My eyebrows or that my specs have some heinous scratches.

Someone shaking your hand will notice: I have a firm grip. The fingertip shaking thing irritates me.

Someone walking behind you would notice: My fat bu… Oh. Uuuh, my long hair?

Someone meeting you at a party would see: The most socially awkward person in the room. Weeeeel, maybe the second most socially awkward person in the room.

Someone looking into your eyes would notice: Almond shaped eyes with long lashes framing darkly rimmed chestnut irises dappled with motes of gold. (Please check the photographical proof.) (see, I can be all poetical and sort of self-complimentary.) And probably the eyebrows.

Someone listening to you talk would hear: Hello?? VELVET VOX, people. I ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie, here.

Someone who's just met you might think: That I am pretty sweet and very funny. <~~ that was Debbie’s answer (which you would know if you clicked on the link), but as I’m doing this, I’m writing over her answers and when I looked down from my last smart remark I briefly thought to myself, "Self? How accepting and unusually nice you’re being to your, er, self." Then I remembered I didn’t actually write that. And now you are asking yourself, "Self? Is Teri attempting to avoid answering this question by distracting us with double talk and painfully contrived conversations with herself? And myself?"

What was the question?

Someone who's known you a long time knows: (I’m so bad at this) Er. Um. I guess I’m kinda funny. Hopefully not funny lookin’. I’m generous. I’m an emotional movie watcher. I love having my back scratched. I love really hot showers. I can’t go into Rosie’s Calico Corners without spending a minimum of 45 minutes sifting through the button trunk. I wanted to be an actress when I grew up.

Ok. Let’s see… what else? Oh yes – the picture. I’ve decided that to launch me on my voyage of discovery and improvement, I am going to join the Flickr 365 Days group. That’s one picture a day until May 26, 2008. Yay for cropping and Photoshop Elements 4.0.

Hi. I'm going to bed now.


p.s. as always, if you really feel the need to see my mug practically life-sized on your screen, Click It.


Bobealia... said...

I get to be the first!!!
You are, of course, forgiven.
But, you knew I would forgive you, as your #1 fan. Also, I haven't been that good at blogging while you were gone what with my new job too and all.
With the exception of the God stuff, the entire paragraph about being tired hit really close to home for me and I think my heart rate actually went up. It was hard to read. But I'm going to be 30 in just over a year so I've got to change FAST.
I'm glad you are back. Please stay. I try to post at least once a week and visit my friends at least once a week. Also, I'm not really making new friends. I can't handle it.
Ciao Bella!

archshrk said...

Welcome back. You said to be ready Saturday and you were right. WOW. very deep, soul searching stuff. I hope that we can encourage you in some way to help you reach your auto-biographical change(s). look forward to many more posts from you (and a few comments on our blogs if you can manage) You've been one of my favorite blog friends so I'm very happy to hear from you again.

Mama P said...

Wow, Teri. All you had to do was cut and paste my blog for the past six months into this first entry and it would have said the same thing. My point: you are not alone. Everyone knows nothing. Everyone knows crap. No one is perfect. Everyone is flawed. No one loves every part of themselves. And everyone wants more out of their lives. If they say they don't, they're lying.

I said it before and I'll say it again: blog if you want to, don't if you don't. Be true to what YOU want, not what you think anyone else wants. (Spoken from someone who's been there, still is sometimes.)

But as far as what I think? You are a beautiful person, inside and out.

No go see Wicked. It'll make you glad to be alive.

Mama P said...


Teri M. said...

Bo MY DARLING! I knew I could count on you! I, too, will try to post once a week at the very least and we should endeavour to encourage each other. :*

arch: Never fear, I have not lost my ability to laugh at myself. :) And you are making me blush! I'm doing my best to catch up with all y'all so that I can be a better blog friend. :*

MamaP: It's so funny - I caught up with you after I posted and I thought the same thing! I'm glad to have been able to make such wonderful blog friends and I really appreciate your encouragement. And thank you - YOU freaky freak, YOU. :*

auntie jude said...

hello, good to see you back.

Mandy Klevenski said...

Good thing I checked your blog … I fell splat off the blogging wagon many months ago. Interesting … when you stopped blogging I found no motivation to keep it up myself. Anyway, my real reason for posting a comment was to add my opinion about what someone who has know you a long time knows. I’ve known you since I was what, 13 or 14? and I’m 37 now. I know this about you … To me you have always been very caring, kind, generous, funny, compassionate, entertaining, fun to be with, gifted (especially in voice work, singing, writing poetry and making homemade cards), beautiful, sultry, sassy, stylish, loyal, grounded and secure in your spiritual beliefs (you had a tremendous influence on bringing me closer to God and Jesus), someone I can depend on, well read, patient and cool – and I know you probably don’t recognize these things in yourself to the extent that I do. I know I’ve told you all of this before, but I thought it would be nice to tell you again. You are one of my VERY best friends and I love you (even though I'm awful at keeping in touch!). Happy Birthday! (late!)

Dave said...

I agree with Mandy 150%. Why...I even married you!! Darn glad I did!

Teri M. said...

AuntieJ: Thanks :-*

Mandy: And as my oldest, bestest friend only you have the right to make me blush and cry, missy. :) What else can I say after all that but: I love you!

Dave: As my husband you are the only other person who has the right to make me blush and cry. hee
Love yer body, Larry.

Katherine said...

YAY! You're back! And wow, I'm so admiring the new 'tude. You rock. Hopefully some of it will rub off on me. You are cute!! Thanks for sharing a picture!

Anonymous said...

My stale advice is less thinking and more action. Do. Do especially for others, not just your family, but beyond. It changes your focus and strengthens self worth and that spiritual thingie, and if you are fortunate, it allows you to circle back and see a better view of you and like what you see more.

Be well, good luck -
A Voice from the Ether

Teri M. said...

Katherine, my darling! Thanks for stickin' around. :)

Anon: Thank you.